Slowing Down to End Self-Violence

00:00:03: This is Radically Alive Women's Agecast.

00:00:19: I

00:00:38: realized that the person who harms me most is myself, with my mind.

00:00:47: With this need of understanding and being perfect.

00:00:52: And so...I'm still discovering how it goes to slow down enough.

00:00:58: So i am present in self.

00:01:04: Welcome Sonja!

00:01:10: Like, what I want to do is just open up a wide space for you to speak into

00:01:17: around

00:01:17: your journey with yourself and health in your womb.

00:01:22: And particularly like this thing that you're finding about how sort of self-neglect shows up.

00:01:29: Thank You!

00:01:30: i'm really glad to be here with you on having this conversation journey for the last almost two years now where my physical body started to have imbalances that kind of pushed me into slowing down and at first I was really scared because The first thing that came up too.

00:02:05: To me it's like, i'm doing something wrong That...I am creating this with my physical Body.

00:02:16: But as I allowed myself to slow down and To be with the physical pain.

00:02:23: It's really hard and scary to Be present with physical pain.

00:02:30: And As a slowdown, I started noticing more subtle layers of How am i not taking care of my self?

00:02:43: usually when thought about taking care of myself I would connect this with well having a nice meal doing physical exercise, doing sports.

00:02:59: Taking a shower brushing my teeth.

00:03:02: it was very much on this more physical layer and...I realized that there's the whole ecosystem operating on the inside, in my inner life.

00:03:25: And there are ways that I can also be neglecting that inner-life.

00:03:35: and this inner-lifes needs care as well.

00:03:46: It's a result of other bodies like emotional body or intellectual my energetic body, it's an intersection of them all.

00:03:57: And... It does not resume itself to the physical body.

00:04:06: and a way that I discovered that i was neglecting myself is go faster while speaking for example.

00:04:22: or well Actually, going faster is a way for me to not see what my other bodies need.

00:04:37: So the speed it's so fast that I'm not aware of what i am feeling or thinking and all these inner fights may be happening which are one of those ways in which I am violent with myself And I'm not even aware that they are happening.

00:05:02: The interesting thing is, one of the things that happened physically was that... ...I had anemia and with anemia there isn't much energy to move, speak or do simple things such as washing my hair.

00:05:29: That kind put me in a situation where I'm lying in bed with myself.

00:05:36: And that created a space for me to look inside, to realize the high speed I was in and to slow down.

00:05:51: That's when i started realizing the amount...the actual amounts of violence.

00:06:03: The violence was coming from the amount of like internal this internal ecosystem that you were going over.

00:06:11: Yes, so for example now what I do is?

00:06:17: I learned.

00:06:18: I'm learning how to try the sensations in my physical body because it still goes It can still go under the radar and So there's a particular kind of sensation in my physical body that I already know, some sort violence is happening.

00:06:44: So...I'm using it as an alarm system and when i stop or pause slow down then im able to take the sentences.

00:06:58: so for example one sentence could be you're worthless or you will never be able to do this.

00:07:09: And these sentences, they trigger emotions like emotional fear.

00:07:17: and then this emotional fear creates tension in my physical body and alertness and slowing down is allowing me To create space between me and what is happening inside, And to check Is this real?

00:07:38: Does this match reality right now In this exact moment.

00:07:45: Most of the times it doesn't.

00:07:47: Then I'm able to breathe to stay with that And to create enough space so i don't stay identified With violence and stop it.

00:08:02: Even then It's so tricky because I can use the same exact violence to stop the violence.

00:08:12: And i feel really sad, Because... I realized that The person who harms me most is me with my mind With thoughts and need of understanding and being perfect.

00:08:37: I'm still discovering how it goes, to slow down enough so that i am present with myself.

00:08:44: And there's this... There is a practice that I discovered while reading the book about sometics where the practice goes something like this you hold your hand.

00:08:58: would you try this right now?

00:09:01: Yes

00:09:02: So You Hold Your Hand Like This Closed In A Fist.

00:09:07: That's how it is.

00:09:07: There's nothing else to do.

00:09:11: and then you notice the sensations in your physical body of Knowing that this is the job I'm doing This.

00:09:20: there's Nothing Else To Do And You Can Even Choose How?

00:09:25: You Are Holding Your Fist, You can Relax The Tension A little bit or Whatever.

00:09:31: It Just Needs To Stay Closed.

00:09:34: and Then You Have Your Other Hand and With This other hand You will try to open this one.

00:09:44: and so you keep on noticing what happens inside of you And it's just trying to open.

00:09:49: This hands job is still to stay close, and you start Trying to open it and you may start feeling something.

00:10:00: Keep on noticing your physical body even the thoughts or feelings

00:10:06: I notice.

00:10:07: they start feeling angry in my a lot more tighter than mine in my torso and this is impossible, it's the intensity of me.

00:10:18: Okay so we're going to pause And this hand is still going to be closed in a fist.

00:10:28: You take some deep breaths you connect with your physical body.

00:10:33: We are going to do something else.

00:10:36: So This Hand Is Still Going To Be Closed In A Fist.

00:10:42: It'S The Job.

00:10:43: nothing to do other than that.

00:10:46: And this hand is going to cradle it, so now the job of his hands is to hold one that is closed in a fist and if you want put your hands on your lap So that you're more relaxed.

00:11:06: notice what happens inside?

00:11:09: One has them as a job.

00:11:12: There's no

00:11:14: fight, there is no war.

00:11:18: No problem just okay.

00:11:22: and if we go a bit further instead of creating space for this hand to rest you are going put your hands in the way that it will support his other hand.

00:11:38: so he has job as role to hold space to do his job.

00:11:52: What are you feeling?

00:11:54: I feel glad, because it's like my hand that's in a fist is... It relaxes a little as well because there's another… My other hand is supporting and its only going help but doing the job!

00:12:13: Okay so.. You can open your hands now and put them on your lap.

00:12:17: So take a deep breath.

00:12:21: So this exercise is actually revealing what happens inside when I'm fighting with myself.

00:12:31: And for me, it was a big revelation because it was so clear just like you were saying that going through the different moments of the practice having hand on the fist trying to open it The moment where i am trying to hope in the handed...I'm Fighting Myself!

00:12:51: And so what being sick is teaching me, it's how to stop fighting myself.

00:13:00: It's how two hold space... Well right now I'm in the process of identifying when i'm fighting my self and I am starting to practice How To Craddle My Inner Experience Myself From The Inside to other people's inner fights.

00:13:23: So I'm able to detect it much sooner and in very subtle changes, language emotions... And then i am really passionate about holding space for myself and others to relax into what is not going through this inner violence process.

00:13:52: What have you discovered that helps to relax into what is without fighting it?

00:13:58: Usually the fight starts for me because I'm trying To run away from what is happening inside.

00:14:09: So let's say, that i start feeling something or thinking Or there's a physical sensation The inner movement that I do is to distance myself from it.

00:14:27: So I am abandoning my self, when i'm distancing myself the sensation becomes stronger and then anger comes up.

00:14:41: And I want to fight that!

00:14:43: I want make stop.

00:14:45: so its like well... A parent saying to a child, stop crying immediately.

00:14:51: Do not do that!

00:14:52: Sit down stay quiet don't speak eat everything in your plate.

00:14:58: So this is the kind of energy that happens.

00:15:02: And so I'm actually feeding The tension that was happening before?

00:15:10: What happens Is...the pain That i am creating is bigger than whatever experience was there before that I was running away from.

00:15:24: And so, I realized what i wasn't enjoying as the adult being and not actually the other thing.

00:15:48: So, I stopped running away.

00:15:52: And now what i do is... ...I turn myself in the direction of sensation and use my physical body to help me with that.

00:16:02: so usually when there's a feeling or thought it comes up into the physical body somewhere.

00:16:12: There are an actual physical sensations either on chest back stomach on my head and what I do from the inside, i start walking towards the sensation very slowly.

00:16:31: And then...I start breathing the sensation but im observing it.

00:16:38: yes Im having experience But I am not taken by the experience Taken meaning..i'm not identified with that.

00:16:50: I put myself inside of it, and then i start breathing there.

00:16:56: And as I started breathing... ...I allowed the sensation to be as is which was what I was avoiding before!

00:17:05: It's just running away from me.. ..and creating this huge knot of tension & pain with all the anger & fear that I'm using.

00:17:14: So Then I put my self inside and actually allow it go over whole body.

00:17:21: And at that moment, what happens for me is well I hear the sentences.

00:17:38: at that moment, is saying the sentences out loud very slowly.

00:18:01: As I told you before... ...I'm paying a lot of attention with speeding up and it happens also with my speaking.

00:18:11: so if i am speaking with someone and I start speeding up there's already part me of my energetics but its not here.

00:18:21: And.. ..i am speaking from place where rooted in the soil and my physical body.

00:18:32: That would mean that I'm either speaking from my mind or some place outside of my physical bodies, not aligned with other bodies.

00:18:44: If i say it very slowly The speaking helps me to align my bodies.

00:18:51: It's a bit similar to shooting voices process.

00:18:57: just to give some context, there's this practice of shooting voices where I say the voice is out loud and then use an energetic voice blaster.

00:19:11: To blast a voice but i was doing that with speed so it wasn't actually shooting the voices because they were not coming from my five bodies.

00:19:26: And then now, what I do is... ...I declare an energetic rectangle right in front of me.

00:19:39: and i start speaking the voice to that rectangle.

00:19:43: So it's like a container for the voice.. ..and I see the voice showing up Like this!

00:19:51: While doing that This other part that is my being and the adult starts listening to what it's been said.

00:20:05: And at some point, either the sentence start unfolding into something else like another layer comes up or... My Being, my Adult Is able get more space and says no this not true.

00:20:24: I don't want do this with very clear anger and it's much slower, so its very different from... I'm allowing myself to listen to my self.

00:20:40: And then i am setting a boundary but the Boundary is emerging!

00:20:48: I am not saying The Boundry From My Mind connected To What I Think It Is My Anger.

00:20:56: for that I really need to slow down otherwise it does Not Work For Me.

00:21:05: I have this process that i do feeling and usually, I discover something like a doorway for an emotional healing process or Something gets cleared up Like doing this voice the sentence speaking into the rectangle.

00:21:27: I realized Many of these voices are not really mine And Usually when it comes out as you It's not mine.

00:21:39: And while I'm doing this, and well...I am doing the rectangle process The voice starts sounding like the person that once told me this!

00:21:51: ...and i start getting a picture of the person.. ..And then.... I'm playing ,i'm like- I declare the person for example .

00:22:00: And I say... I don't want to do this anymore it is over But again.....it comes naturally.

00:22:10: It's like an unfolding from the inside that says, this is what I want to do now and it's very clear.

00:22:18: And so I declare a person and say it then send her away... ...and i'm actually having fun with discovering things!

00:22:29: Thank

00:22:33: you!

00:22:34: It was so rich for me as your sharing this image of what you mean by your inner ecology.

00:22:42: You're really working with your inner nature, like how life grows in you and following that map And I feel so glad about that because it's like...you make space!

00:22:55: i hear how you are making space for all-all of your ecology Your oceans & forests & dark scary thunderstorms.

00:23:06: It has a part in you

00:23:11: And I wanna add something else to that, which is in the process of learning how to feel and reconnecting with feelings.

00:23:22: People may not realize that they are in a speed that does not allow them to experience their feelings with our five bodies.

00:23:36: The experience is not attaching itself to the inner structure of a person.

00:23:48: So, when in my daily life I am doing things...I'm washing dishes

00:23:55: and

00:23:56: writing a text an article or holding space for someone All these experiences bring something into being.

00:24:13: it creates mass in the inner structure.

00:24:16: Every moment of daily life is a way to build an inner structure, grow and mature, become adults... It has information!

00:24:31: Daily experience is like receiving information from reality grow more awareness, more muscle to hold more consciousness.

00:24:46: And if the person is doing all these things moving through life including feeling with a speed that does not allow experience to land then They're not really feeling even if it looks like they are feeling.

00:25:10: They aren't extracting the juice from the orange and so, It's like...they have this huge orange filled with juice And you take three drops of juice.

00:25:26: The invitation is Slow down when learning how to feel Even if your already experienced slowdown as much possible So that The juice that is in the orange, it's completely extracted.

00:25:43: And then you can even use the pulp!

00:25:46: You take the pulp and put the pulp with the juice... ...and you can also use the rest of the orange peels to bake a cake.

00:25:56: So I've discovered this with me as well holding space for other people If they slow down enough to allow the feeling there, be with a feeling.

00:26:13: The feeling goes into the entire body and then joy helps integrate their experience.

00:26:22: And you're not that same person.

00:26:24: Then something shifted.

00:26:26: So this is really important.

00:26:31: Slowdown so we have access of information or all that it's for us.

00:26:39: I think this is such a great image of the orange, because when learning to feel and get just a few drops.

00:26:50: And then i'd think something like if i slowed down The few drops would just disappear.

00:26:56: in.

00:26:56: what you're saying it's slowing Down allows the whole Orange To be juiced In all the bits around that as well.

00:27:04: It's like a line.

00:27:06: imagine You have This Line And you go through experience walking through this line, but the line is not straight.

00:27:18: It's like an accordion.

00:27:20: The line has these bubbles inside.

00:27:25: it's like pockets of information and if you go fast You'll go straight straight through the line and You don't get access to the pocket.

00:27:39: But if you slow down, you notice that there's a glitch in the line.

00:27:46: And when you allow yourself to stay on top of the glitch it opens up and the line starts stretching... ...and all the things that were IN this pocket they now become available AND YOU START WALKING THROUGH THE POCKET!

00:28:04: There are BUNCH OF THINGS THERE THAT Weren't visible before And now they are.

00:28:11: So it's really, is

00:28:17: really cool.

00:28:19: I'm so glad that i opened this little pocket of the accordion and walked through for a while with youth on you.

00:28:30: Thank You

00:28:34: Millicent.

00:28:39: Coaching and space-holding at the moment.

00:28:41: Are you offering that for people or what is your?

00:28:46: Yes,

00:28:48: I'm already doing coachings with this And in rage club enjoy Club that it's also going to happen now.

00:28:57: This is how i'm holding space for people to discover How to connect with anger and also with joy.

00:29:03: It's from this place of slowing down and connecting with those pockets that aren't visible.

00:29:39: And daunting is not a problem, daunting simply means it's new.

00:29:46: It's scary

00:29:48: and

00:29:49: why not do it anyway?

00:29:51: This where evolution lies.

00:29:53: Evolution is there when the fear is.

00:29:56: so we're inviting you to join us on this journey and make your own.

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00:30:52: This edgecast is brought to you by Radically Live Women.

00:30:56: See You Soon!